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The absolute guide to tax time

Seth Dukes:

Newsroom Coordinator


 Tax time is just around the corner, and given my absolute love and admiration for numbers and taxes, I wanted to offer you some great tips that have helped me tremendously during tax time.

 Firstly, you want to make sure that all of your financial records are spread out and not organized neatly in the same place. I personally have five different shoeboxes that I compile my financial information in. Three of them are back in my hometown, one is tucked away inside the Meade County Courthouse, and another is buried in Buttermilk Falls. I also make sure to rip all of them at least in half (sometimes more than once) so that I can easily distinguish my records from the records of others.

 You will also want to thoroughly clean all of your documents before you submit them. This will prevent germs from being transmitted when they’re filed. I soak all of my documents in warm water for about 20 minutes, and then I clean them with a solution made up of two parts vinegar, five parts water and one part Mountain Dew.

 Be sure to only report a small portion of your income. The more that you report, the less you get to keep. The IRS cannot take money from you if they don’t know that you have it! Take a page out of the book of some of the greats: Wesley Snipes, Chuck Berry, Pete Rose, and Nicholas Cage. All of these people had the right idea, and their convictions and punishments were a small price to pay for the time and effort they saved.

 You should never visit the website for tips and hints. Doesn’t watching paint dry sound more fun that that? They don’t even have any memes or pictures of cats.

 If you have someone prepare your taxes for you, be sure to get all your information to them on April 14. That way, your information is fresh in their mind prior to the April 15 deadline. Plus, they will feel rushed to get it completed. This surge of adrenaline will likely cause them to make a mistake, potentially netting you more money! Once they tell you their fee, you should refuse to pay it. After all, there are TONS of free programs out there that do exactly what they do. How hard is it to add up some numbers and fill out a couple of forms? Plus, they’re probably in cahoots with Uncle Sam anyway.

 If you report your mileage, just make up a number. What are they going to do, come and check your odometer?

 If you get a strange phone call from someone claiming to be the IRS, you should do exactly as they say; give them whatever information they ask for. The IRS is well known for calling individuals and threatening them over the phone. The only mail you should EVER receive from the IRS is a birthday card. The rest of their business with you is conducted in completely unsecure and strange ways. Do you want to be arrested? They just told you that they’re going to send a police officer to your house and take you away! You may even want to order a few iTunes gift cards ahead of time so that you will have them ready to send and placate the legitimate IRS threats. That is the government’s official preferred method of payment. Don’t believe me? Then look it up!

 Finally, should the IRS claim that you owe the government more money, make like Fonzie and tell them to sit on it. If they force you to pay it, pay it as late as you can; teach them a lesson. They won’t mess with you next year after you give them such a headache.

All jokes aside, please don’t take any of this advice; it’s satire. In fact, you should do the exact opposite of everything I’ve suggested here. This aims to give you a chuckle during a time that very few are chuckling. Did I say don’t do any of this stuff? Yeah, don’t. Not only will your tax season be a nightmare, you will also almost certainly be arrested.

See page here! (week 5)